Weeeell, guess what? I really enjoyed that Nordic Track, got in great shape, and got pregnant! Now almost a year later, we have a baby son! He is of course the sweetest thing ever.
I've been thinking I should blog again. This happens every couple of years. I thought maybe I'd start an entirely new blog and forgot I had this one; it will do. My life, my world; it suits.
I've taken a semester off from teaching; maybe it will turn in to more than a semester; we'll see. I want my kids to thrive - to reach their potential - and we'll see what that takes. Husband is changing jobs, daughter is becoming more beautiful inside and out, middle child is struggling and we are all struggling with him, baby is a sweet, peaceful little blessing.
So, more good stuff to come - I'm excited to have a screen to type in to - I miss typing much on keys that click.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Inexplicable
Today is World Autism Day, and we attended a community event where we saw quite a few friends. We also, today, cleaned out half of our garage, got a whole bunch of healthy veggies, bought a Nordic-track, and I went to a baby shower.
It is always difficult to know how much of one's heart to share. Suffice to say that those events dredged up some of the deeper insecurities of my heart. All day, too, I've had this Bethel song in my heart. Perhaps I just needed it - perhaps the Lord knew all of those things would come up, and that I would need a song to hold together.
You unravel me
With a melody
You pursue me with a song
Of deliverance
From my enemies
Until all my fears are gone.
I'm no longer a slave to fear.
I am a child of God.
It is difficult to share one's heart. I can say, though, that I am glad to have this song. It held my soul in a protective bear hug all day - but a hug that never felt too tight. Gentle - a force field I didn't know I needed, and had never asked for. A song can provide that kind of reality, even when - perhaps especially when - it didn't seem like the right song for the day, and you find it hard to explain why you needed it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxkNj5hcy5E&feature=youtu.be
It is always difficult to know how much of one's heart to share. Suffice to say that those events dredged up some of the deeper insecurities of my heart. All day, too, I've had this Bethel song in my heart. Perhaps I just needed it - perhaps the Lord knew all of those things would come up, and that I would need a song to hold together.
You unravel me
With a melody
You pursue me with a song
Of deliverance
From my enemies
Until all my fears are gone.
I'm no longer a slave to fear.
I am a child of God.
It is difficult to share one's heart. I can say, though, that I am glad to have this song. It held my soul in a protective bear hug all day - but a hug that never felt too tight. Gentle - a force field I didn't know I needed, and had never asked for. A song can provide that kind of reality, even when - perhaps especially when - it didn't seem like the right song for the day, and you find it hard to explain why you needed it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxkNj5hcy5E&feature=youtu.be
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Home Again
Tonight especially it felt like Tucson was really home, and not just a place where we are waiting until it's time to take off someplace else.
I realize as I write that that it goes against spiritual values to say that this place, or even this world, is my home. What I suppose I mean is that I feel like myself finally; like I have a place and a life here, and am not just waiting for something else.
Perhaps this is misguided; truly, I should not feel at home anywhere because indeed I am only a sojourner, a pilgrim. That's true. I hope my sense of connection has more to do with contentment than commitment, but I will need to think this over more.
In a conversation a few weeks ago, a teacher pointed out to me that it is usually the third year in to a new teaching gig that a teacher feels competent and successful. By then, he or she has had time to work out the kinks and adjust for error. That is true of my current experience; I am finishing my third year, and finally feel great about it. Yet, it is time to move on.
For someone like me who was moved around quite frequently as a child without a strong family connection, I fear the loss of stability for myself and my children if we were to move every few years. I know military people, for instance, have this reality, but they have a lot of support built into the institution which allows the families to adjust to these ever-changing circumstances (new house, new place, new school, new language?). For me, I didn't have that kind of strenth. I had to figure things out on my own, and an 8-year-old just can't do that. I learned some coping skills, for sure. In the long run, I learned that people come and go, and that faith and character remain. Yet there has always been a longing for home and stability and a sense that it ought to be so.
It scares me a bit that I am starting to feel comfortable. Somehow I feel like I am selling out by settling in. I am not sure how to accomodate this paradox that in relationships and stability we find peace and history and consistency, while at the same time realizing that such stability can numb me to other realities. I think I need to know that it is okay to feel like I've found my resting place in an actual place, and that, to me, doesn't sound like something someone with a lot of spiritual insight would say. I've never seen or known it. I'm not even sure it's what I ought to want. Largely, though, I start to feel like I am home again, and it makes me scared that I might just be passing through.
I realize as I write that that it goes against spiritual values to say that this place, or even this world, is my home. What I suppose I mean is that I feel like myself finally; like I have a place and a life here, and am not just waiting for something else.
Perhaps this is misguided; truly, I should not feel at home anywhere because indeed I am only a sojourner, a pilgrim. That's true. I hope my sense of connection has more to do with contentment than commitment, but I will need to think this over more.
In a conversation a few weeks ago, a teacher pointed out to me that it is usually the third year in to a new teaching gig that a teacher feels competent and successful. By then, he or she has had time to work out the kinks and adjust for error. That is true of my current experience; I am finishing my third year, and finally feel great about it. Yet, it is time to move on.
For someone like me who was moved around quite frequently as a child without a strong family connection, I fear the loss of stability for myself and my children if we were to move every few years. I know military people, for instance, have this reality, but they have a lot of support built into the institution which allows the families to adjust to these ever-changing circumstances (new house, new place, new school, new language?). For me, I didn't have that kind of strenth. I had to figure things out on my own, and an 8-year-old just can't do that. I learned some coping skills, for sure. In the long run, I learned that people come and go, and that faith and character remain. Yet there has always been a longing for home and stability and a sense that it ought to be so.
It scares me a bit that I am starting to feel comfortable. Somehow I feel like I am selling out by settling in. I am not sure how to accomodate this paradox that in relationships and stability we find peace and history and consistency, while at the same time realizing that such stability can numb me to other realities. I think I need to know that it is okay to feel like I've found my resting place in an actual place, and that, to me, doesn't sound like something someone with a lot of spiritual insight would say. I've never seen or known it. I'm not even sure it's what I ought to want. Largely, though, I start to feel like I am home again, and it makes me scared that I might just be passing through.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
It is Well
I'm just learning my new favorite song.
It's by Bethel Music, and called "It is Well." It's rather wonderful.
The family has been through some difficulty lately - some practical and some existential. Trying to figure out who we are and what we're doing here. Those questions get more difficult when there is real pain, of course.
My pastor preached a sermon this morning about praying and acting out of faith instead of fear. It made me realize just how many fears I was carrying around and trying to let guide me, even. Like since they were the strongest force I could feel, it seemed like they were worth navigating by.
Wrong decision, because it was leading me essentially nowhere, slow.
"So let go my soul, and trust in Him; the waves and wind still know His name."
This needs to be my banner, my life's bumper-sticker, my theme.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uGXeJMB9Go
It's by Bethel Music, and called "It is Well." It's rather wonderful.
The family has been through some difficulty lately - some practical and some existential. Trying to figure out who we are and what we're doing here. Those questions get more difficult when there is real pain, of course.
My pastor preached a sermon this morning about praying and acting out of faith instead of fear. It made me realize just how many fears I was carrying around and trying to let guide me, even. Like since they were the strongest force I could feel, it seemed like they were worth navigating by.
Wrong decision, because it was leading me essentially nowhere, slow.
"So let go my soul, and trust in Him; the waves and wind still know His name."
This needs to be my banner, my life's bumper-sticker, my theme.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uGXeJMB9Go
Monday, January 11, 2016
Like a River
My daughter bought my husband this spinning light disco ball for Christmas. We took it out on Christmas Day and have kept it. We keep thinking the last of the Christmas decorations are put away, and then will find more. I'm sure this isn't unique. I'm already looking forward to next Christmas.
I was very satisfied with our holiday season, but now it is time to move on. The kids are settled in their school routines and I start back to work, officially, tomorrow. Things feel good.
The most amazing thing is that little mister is doing well in school. We've had about five good reports in a row, and keep being happily surprised each time.
My high school reunion, which is in two months, seems to have picked up steam, which is a relief for me since I lead the reunion committee.
I know people have been praying for me. I can feel it. I am blessed. Tonight I will rest well, and start a new season.
Monday, January 4, 2016
What you shall wear
The kids started back to school today. I skipped watching my favorite show last night so I could prepare, practically and mentally. I chose outfits for each of them for the whole week.
Today was a little bit of a mess. I must have not slept enough, or not allowed myself a chance to be prepared for the shock of getting back to real life. Or maybe it was something else - I don't know. I was just grumpy, and my outlook was affecting my uptake. Know what I mean? I was only bringing in the bad stuff.
Sigh.
There was one nice little surprise; I found a pair of pants on clearance. They aren't a size I want to be, so I'm glad I didn't pay much for them. They will cover me for now.
I was reading the story of the fall the other day, and noticing how God made his people clothes when they had exposed their nakedness to themselves, just like the stress of getting back in a routine exposed my ugliness thinly veiled beneath a candy shell. How sad and how compassionate at the same time - to cover the sin which could not be undone.
Covered. He's got me covered. My size, and what I will be. My kids, and what they need. He's got this all covered.
Now to sleep - a good year will, I think, depend on some good sleep.
Zzzz....
Today was a little bit of a mess. I must have not slept enough, or not allowed myself a chance to be prepared for the shock of getting back to real life. Or maybe it was something else - I don't know. I was just grumpy, and my outlook was affecting my uptake. Know what I mean? I was only bringing in the bad stuff.
Sigh.
There was one nice little surprise; I found a pair of pants on clearance. They aren't a size I want to be, so I'm glad I didn't pay much for them. They will cover me for now.
I was reading the story of the fall the other day, and noticing how God made his people clothes when they had exposed their nakedness to themselves, just like the stress of getting back in a routine exposed my ugliness thinly veiled beneath a candy shell. How sad and how compassionate at the same time - to cover the sin which could not be undone.
Covered. He's got me covered. My size, and what I will be. My kids, and what they need. He's got this all covered.
Now to sleep - a good year will, I think, depend on some good sleep.
Zzzz....
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Looking ahead
We had the most lovely family get-together yesterday. There was a bouncy house, a movie, lots of food, presents, pictures, silliness, and lots of coffee. I was so blessed.
Today I had to go back to bed after I got up and had breakfast. I was just so tired. In addition, I began to have a panic attack as I thought about getting the kids ready for school, which starts tomorrow. Oh, how I will miss them.
Last semester was so challenging. This one, I expect to be better. Simpler. More focused. Yet I've had these waves of panic and angst come over me today as I try to get myself together. I think it's a little different from the "what if-?"'s. Or maybe it isn't.
It reminds me of the snake in the garden. Did God really say? Can He really work this out?
I have had several moments of peace when the thought occurred to me that these challenges I'm imagining might just be opportunities for me to see God at work. And also, that perhaps he took me through a very difficult and emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenging semester to make me appreciate a good one more.
I think I ought to expect good.
Today I had to go back to bed after I got up and had breakfast. I was just so tired. In addition, I began to have a panic attack as I thought about getting the kids ready for school, which starts tomorrow. Oh, how I will miss them.
Last semester was so challenging. This one, I expect to be better. Simpler. More focused. Yet I've had these waves of panic and angst come over me today as I try to get myself together. I think it's a little different from the "what if-?"'s. Or maybe it isn't.
It reminds me of the snake in the garden. Did God really say? Can He really work this out?
I have had several moments of peace when the thought occurred to me that these challenges I'm imagining might just be opportunities for me to see God at work. And also, that perhaps he took me through a very difficult and emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenging semester to make me appreciate a good one more.
I think I ought to expect good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)